The Secret in the Snow

yesterday

the snow sparkled

like it had a secret

 

and I spent most of my morning

thinking about my body

 

and what I would put on it

and in it

and whether or not

$60 was more cash than I had

at the moment

for a menstrual cup

 

and walking through the carpark

I saw the snow

in all its shades

of brown and black and grey

and realised I’d never have names

for all those shades

or a name for

the snow and mud

on the tips of my boots

 

and I spent my bus ride

wondering how I might’ve turned out

if this self of mine, at 23

had been allowed to talk to

the 15 year old self of mine

 

so I practiced feeling contented

because i needed that

at 15

 

and even though

I spent too much of my day

thinking about my body

and wondering

if men thought about their bodies

the way women do

 

I allowed myself

the luxury

of being with this self of mine

while the sun set at 3:34 PM

 

and I walked home

wondering

and hoping

that I might learn the secret

in the snow

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